On My Bookshelf: Fifty Shames of Earl Grey, by Fanny Merkin (aka Andrew Shaffer)

[ WARNING: SPOILER ALERT ]

No. This is not the infamous fan fiction trilogy. If you thought it is, read the title again.

I found this book while scrolling through Pinterest for eye candy. It was in a Tumblr screenshot, and the anons replies about the book piqued my curiosity.

I have not read Fifty Shades trilogy or Twilight saga either, but I knew enough to recognise which story line belonged to which franchise. Most of my knowledge of Fifty Shades came from the first volume, where I would open the book at random pages and read what’s on it. My Twilight familiarity came from the TV tuned to said movies on HBO as a background noise while I work on something else; occasionally glancing at the screen for a break or when my sister pointed out interesting facts that went way back to the first book.

In essence, this book is a crossover of 95% Fifty Shades series and 5% Twilight.

I open my eyes and stare down at Mr Grey and HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.

A note on one of the page of the book said that the book “imitates an author’s style and work for comic effect. Its intent is to ridicule”, which is evident in this one-liner that made me chuckle.

With his tousled brown hair and brilliant gray eyes, he’s the kind of guy you want to write fanfic about.

In fact, the first few pages of the book had so much resemblance to Fifty Shades of Grey that I almost did not see any difference. Although the pseudonymous author did moved and added a few words, I had a moment of insight of what my college professors must have felt like when we turned up written assignments that each one read almost alike. This book started with the protagonist Anna Steal who was filling up for roommate Kathleen Kraven for an interview with Earl Grey.

“[…] I’m Edward Cullen. I mean, ‘Earl Grey.’ Have a seat”

Here’s a little anecdote: Whenever I fell in love with a fictional character, I would pretend that they were even crazier in love with me, and that there is nothing in this world that they cannot do to prove it. My beloved fictional character would also be this powerful person and that everyone in the world can’t wait to want to associate themselves with them. This book reminded me a lot of the fan fictions I used to write on paper and in my head, and because of that I got embarrassed a lot while reading it.

To give you only some illustration as to what I meant: To get Anna to join him for a coffee during her shift of working at Walmart, Earl bought the whole company just so that she could take the afternoon off. And then they ride the helicopter to go to Starbucks - that’s just right across the street. And my personal favourite was when Anna and her two best friends crashed their car into the sea; Earl drained the Pacific Ocean to save them. There’s plenty more where that came from and I wish I could tell them all in this post.

The pseudonymous author also name dropping names of public figures that associates with Earl Grey: Names like Bill Gates, Jay-Z, Nicholas Sparks, and Vin Diesel, which were “included only to enhance the overall value and effectiveness of the parody”.

Like the original Fifty Shades of Grey, in this book Anna Steal’s virginity were also taken by Earl Grey, but with so much comical effect that I don’t think anyone will be able to milk the moose with it. Their boom-chick-a-wow-wow made Anna horny; and combine that with Earl’s character, they make for one sex-crazed couple.

“Moan,” I moan. “Moan, moan, moooooooan”

That sentence right there seems like a dig at Stephenie Meyer’s New Moon:

Aro laughed. “Ha ha ha,” he giggled.

That’s not the only Twilight reference. Even though I did not watch the movie properly, I do remember when Bella Swan found out she was pregnant. Even though it was only about fourteen days since the wedding, Bella can already feel the baby moving inside her body. It’s not even a week since they first puddle-snuggling and Anna can already feel the baby kicking.

Even until the end of the book the pseudonymous author did not pipe down the hilarity, and anyone with a sense of humour for a pogo in the shrub parody of Fifty Shades of Grey should love this book.

This blog post is part of On My Bookshelf series of Around the Year in 52 Books reading challenge.